Today I felt very weak, like I just had no motivation, like I was physically and emotionally drained.
I don’t know why it might be from crying before I go to sleep again. I’m scared. I don’t want to keep thinking and putting myself in a position where I let my emotions get the better off me. I want to wear dresses or shorts this summer without tights, I want to be able to go swimming with my friends without being the only one to cancel. I don’t like bringing out the razors, but sometimes I can feel so much pain that they help me forget about what I was crying for. They help me forget everything around me and help me focus on one thing. I can’t trust anyone to tell them I’m depressed, to tell them what goes through my head.. Without them ignoring me or telling me I annoy them. I don’t want to upset or depress anyone but I still just need someone..
So I found out that I unintentionally hurt my friends a few month back, the worst part was, they never even told me until now! They should have told me I was being mean or hurtful. I didn’t even know I was being like that and I didn’t feel like I changed.
I don’t know if I was just being myself but they didn’t know me enough to understand when I’m joking or playing around, I don’t mean to hurt the people I care about and I don’t want anyone to hate me for something I don’t notice doing. I’ve had this problem for years and instead of them talking to me about it they just walk away… It’s horrible, it really makes me question if dying would actually affect my friends. Is that one less thing to care about when debating to take your own life. Who would want to live if all they do is hurt those they care about?